This has been hard for me to write.  But it needs to be written.  I’ve messed up some things.  A lot of things actually.  And some things I thought I knew… well, my world has been turned upside down.

It’s been hard for me to write this because I’m embarrassed.  Ashamed even.  Anybody can pick this up and judge me, criticize me, spread false things about me. But I just don’t care anymore. My hope is that you will learn from the mistakes I’ve made.  My hope is that you will see my heart. More than that, maybe this can sort of serve as a road map for you to find your way home too.  Things that I thought were true about the world, about myself.  Illusions.

Nobody likes being wrong.  I hate being wrong.  I like the “high ground” of right.  And I’ve been wrong – way more than I ever realized.  It took a friend pointing it out to me.

To say it was an hard conversation would be the understatement of the century.  A relationship I have for what seemed like forever was on the verge of collapse.  I didn’t know it.  To me, everything seemed fine.  Conversations almost daily.  Adventures together. Highs and lows but we always seemed to survive.

And then…

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“Listen, we need to talk.”

Me: About what?

“This relationship just isn’t working. It feels – stagnant. Like I know you talk to me all the time and everything but it’s like when I talk you’re not even listening to me.”

Me:  Of course I listen to you! What are you talking about?

“I just wanted so much more.  Ya know?  To me a relationship is a two way street.  It’s give and take and all you do is seem to unload your stuff on me and when I reply you get upset or stomp off or I dunno just get all melancholy and shut down.  And when I just listen you get all mad that I’m not talking.”

Me: I had no idea you felt this way. Where is this coming from?

“It’s been a long time in the making.  I’ve kept telling myself it will get better.  Give it time. But sometimes.  Well I just got to a point that I felt like you really weren’t serious.

Me: We’ve got more than a friendship and you know that!

“Do we?”

Me: Of course we do!  Where are you getting this?!

“I just thought there would be more.  But it is just – lacking.  Shallow.  Hollow even.  Do you ever feel like that?  That there is something more and its just beyond your grasp?”

Me: I’ve felt that, but we always seem to get past it.

“Really?”

Me:  Well I guess I did.

“Can I be honest?”

Me:  Of course!  You already are it appears!

“…annnnd your mad. Great.”

Me: Well what should I be?  This just came out of left field!

“Actually, I’ve tried to bring this up before but you would just change the subject.  You dominate the conversations.”

Me:  Are you serious?  I felt like YOU dominate the conversations!

“I had a feeling you’d say that.”

Me: What does that mean?

“I’m not going to bring up all the times you shut me down.”

Me:  Oh, you’re referring to that party.  REALLY?!  You know that was an odd situation. I thought you’d understand that!

“I did. I do. But…”

Me:  Is that it?

“Not really.”

Me:  What?  There’s MORE?!

“Allan, if you only knew…”

Me:  Oh good grief!  You’re keeping score?!

“Actually, no.  We’ve gotten sideways before and I’ve always forgiven you.”

Me: And now you’re not?!

“Actually, I do.  It’s just.  How do I communicate this to you.  We’re stuck.  When we became friends a long time ago I was hoping for so much more.”

Me:  And its MY fault we haven’t progressed?!

“This is going to sound so cliche’. I don’t mean it to, but… it’s not you.  It’s me.

Me:  Are. You. Serious?  I can’t believe you just did that.  I can’t BELIEVE you just said the  ole “its not you, its me” line.  Wow, just WOW!  I can’t frikken believe this.

{sigh} “There’s just so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about but you never seemed ready.”

Me: Great, you have a LIST of things that is wrong with me?

“I  didn’t say that. There are just things I wanted to tell you.  Things that are close to my heart but we were just swamped in your life that you never asked much about mine.  About what is important to me. About whats on my mind.”

Me: I thought I did that!

“A few times – yes.  But then it always turned back around to the things you were struggling with.

Me: I THOUGHT you had told me you wanted to be my friend, help me through things, listen to me, be there for me.

“I did. I do!”

Me: And now you regret it?

“No, not at all.  It’s just…”

Me: What?

“When I tried talking to you, you’d redirect the conversation.  ALWAYS back to you.  The things I wanted to share with you were things that could help.  But you  cut me off.  You couldn’t see that the things I was sharing with you were meant to help. To heal.”

Me: I just don’t know what to do with all this.

“I thought you’d feel that way.”

Me: What am I suppose to say?

“Nothing.  Anything.  Say whatever you’d like.  Just know that I wanted so much more.”

Me: And THIS is how you show it?!  Fantastic.

“Relationships are messy.”

Me:  YES THEY ARE!

“And if they are worthwhile, they are worth fighting for.”

Me: So why aren’t you fighting for mine?

“I am.  And you can’t even see it.”

Me: THIS is how you fight?  By hurting me?!  Maybe I should just leave.

“Maybe so…Your call.”

Me:  annnd you’re giving up.  Perfect!

“Me? Never.”

Me: Yeah. Whatever.

“Take care.”

Me:  Jesus!  What are you talking about?!

“You know were to find me…”

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And so begins the journey.  More later.  I’ve got wounds to heal.